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16 March 2011 @ 11:37 pm
I forgot what this feels like. Allowing myself to feel this way is...beyond terrifying. Normal people don't react this way. Inside me, there is a tiny, growing granule of happiness that permeates my being. A secret smile, if you will, that warms from the core out.

However, it also makes me bat shit crazy over inane happenings of no consequence. But I reason things out. Really, I do. Irrationality never suited me, nor anyone else for that matter. On the other hand, rationality also has its downsides. Mainly the frigidity and standoffishness that it inevitably engenders in some misguided attempt to protect something that is, at this point, already mangled beyond repair.

Auden, always on my mind, you put is so well - "you shall love your crooked neighbour with your crooked heart." Hmm, should probably lay off reading poetry, but Sylvia gives me a framework of remembrance that may else wise be forgotten. Mad girl's love song. Yes, indeed.

Luckily, being the jester is not all bad. Laughing when you should be crying is sometimes the only recourse to survive the absurdity of the mundaneness of life.

23 February 2011 @ 10:28 pm
Failure is not an option.
25 August 2010 @ 09:56 pm
My driving is much better when my passenger remains silent for the duration of the ride. This driving thing is not so hard after all; today even some infant-stage road rage emerged.
Finally wrote an email to my dad. It's odd, the feeling of dissociation that has increased with the passing of the past four years. In all honesty, when I am homesick it is not Denmark or my dad that I miss. Rather, it is the drumming sound of rain that pounds on your window early in the morning, when everything is dark and still; chestnut trees pelting you with fruit as you bike up the great hill; or cool summer days at the beach, where the rich smoke of late evening bonfires saturates the air. There is a melancholy feel to life that is hard to describe, when nothing makes sense.

I don't miss that.

And I do like living here, and I have grown a tremendous amount as a person, which is something that I attribute - ironically - to the otherness of life here. But sometimes it is hard being away from friends and " home," however elusive of a concept that has now become.

However, my happiness stems from the everyday happenstances that are often overlooked. For instance, it is intriguing what a profound effect an hour or so of exercise can have. Today consisted of a lighter fare than yesterday, but sometimes the breaking point is reached earlier. My lesson has been learned - next time I am choosing an eliptical far away from the CMT channel TV.

Somehow, I doubt that continuous balling during the glute II programme suits me, but "Extreme Home Makeover" was on - Pennington & co were remaking the home of a dead soldier, specifically the first woman to die in the Iraq war. Thank god I am only emotionally bonkers about 10% of the time. Once a month, the invasion of the body snatchers occurs. My rational self stands powerless (well, mostly) while Hormonal Hannah takes over. Joy.
Current Music: "Smile Like You Mean It," the Killers
13 August 2010 @ 12:01 pm
I was released early today for good behaviour. In order to capitalize on this, I fully plan on enjoy many hours of freedom engaged in activities that I have been putting off:

Short term goals
> Print Picture letters for Dad, Other Granny (OG) who I have never met, Sue (<3)
> Actually send dad an email letting him know that I have not died, but my phone commits intermittent harakiri

> See about that gym membership. Work is making me lazy and fat.

> Clean bathroom, room and set up for dinner extravaganza - Bangers and Mash

> LSAT fun times - Outline study plan and look into registration for Dec LSAT
> Order LSAT Logic Games Bible + Workbook

> Pay Student Loans for Sept.

Long Term Goals

> Sudoku - do two "Moderate" puzzles per day for next week, move on to "Demanding" next Sunday
Current Music: "Michael," Franz Ferdinand
10 August 2010 @ 12:19 am
I must suffer from some new type of sleep disorder - the hit and run kind. BAM! Suddenly you pass out for 2 hours while dreams infused with giant Merengue beats from the latin music blaring upstairs come and go. Eventually, the cat paws at you tentatively - time for food.

Clearly, she runs the household.

Meanwhile, yesterday after a grueling day filled with walking, driving and mind puzzles tiredness ensues. Yet, somehow 1600 mcg of melatonin later no snoozing occurs.

In the aftermath, the realization comes that the time to harness the wrath of the insomnia has indeed come. I will be calling Dr. Abrahamson tomorrow - the melatonin pills aren't working. Sleeping every now and again in two hour blocks is not...optimal...
17 July 2010 @ 01:12 am
Today was magnificent in many ways.

Work was fun. Some days, perhaps less frequently occurring now than in previous months, a part of me is filled with radiant vivacity, flitting effortlessly through time and space. In essence, somehow not merely occupying space, but filling, expanding, inhabiting every recess.

This exuberance burns brightly for a while, leaving a melange of emotions to simmer and slowly drain drop by drop. Contending withe the aftermath is...difficult...

But bearable.

It is in these moments of mundane clutter that I feel most alive - pouring coffee, eating cake, reading. Every heartbeat is an avalanche, every breath a silent gift.

The exterior calm cannot betray the inner sanctum.
01 April 2010 @ 01:31 am
I can't separate reality from fiction.
And sometimes, I think you made the right choice in choosing an ending rather than having one arbitrarily assigned. But I know this is untrue. It's an abyss devoid of any light. There is no-one. Perhaps it is the encroaching steps of a rather forceful solitude that disquiet me.

Perhaps, my jaded skin acts as shield. After all, happiness only befalls those who still possess the ability to see the innocence of the world. I don't know if I can.
23 March 2010 @ 01:30 am
I can be happy. It can happen.
I have faith.