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12 March 2010 @ 02:42 am
Der er to mænd i verden, der
bestandig krydser min vej;
den ene er den jeg elsker,
den anden elsker mig.
Den ene bor i en natlig drøm,
der bor i mit mørke sind,
den anden står ved mit hjertes dør; -
jeg lukker ham aldrig ind.
Den ene gav mig et vårligt pust
af lykke, der snart fo'r hen,
den anden gav mig sit hele liv
og fik aldrig en time igen.
Den ene bruser i blodets sang,
hvor elskov er ren og fri,
den anden er ét med den triste dag,
drømmene drukner i.
Hver kvinde står mellem disse to,
forelsket, elsket og ren -
een gang hver hundrede år kan det ske,
de smelter sammen til én.
- Tove Ditlevsen
 
 
Elena
06 February 2010 @ 08:35 pm
Something is missing. And life is...well, it is...intangible. Reality, and my own sanity, is mostly what I question. Whether it makes sense. Dark days, sleepless nights and time leaks, slowly the minutes drip away.

Try. Try. Try.

Perhaps it's the static nature of my life. I am ... somewhere. Yet, despite my discontent, there is no push to move onward. There is just nothing, and things are falling apart, and I am not ready for that. Because I don't know how to fix this, because I don't even really know what the problem is.

And then there is death, destruction, and people with real problems, and it breaks my heart, but I can't fix that either. These horrible thoughts follow. Thoughts that are unthinkable at best. Thoughts that make me lose faith. And I realise that all the horror had to happen, just like it did, so I can be here, existing, aimlessly floating.
 
 
Elena
22 December 2009 @ 01:51 am
The title says it all. Also, I graduated, and even made dean's list =0)

I'm happy, I think. There is the now, just the now. Then there are the thoughts, the ones that we always try to keep at bay - the Austins and Huis of now, sort of speak - the ones that haunt you. I still can't forget, and sometimes I think this feeling of homelessness and displacement will never really fade.

But I only know how to love, so that's what I will do. Even when it's unrequited; sometimes the importance lies in the act rather than anything else.

Maybe I'll start writing again.

Oh life. I love, I live.
 
 
Elena
11 November 2009 @ 12:34 am
I just realised that I am 24. What an odd sensation. This is my last hurrah, the last time I have for exuberance and exhilaration, and I fully plan on capitalizing on it. I live to love, because it is the only thing I know.

What a fail.

<3
 
 
Elena
25 August 2009 @ 02:35 am
It's unreal that this is my last semester as an undergraduate. I'm so excited. Life is good, because I will it to be. I love life, even when it's crappy and nerve-wrecking.

Only minor freak-outs allowed =0)
 
 
 
Elena
09 August 2009 @ 12:51 am
Apparently, sleep deprivation makes me depressed and stressed. Or perhaps stress makes sleeping impossible? Either way, I am not happy about this.

Fuck.
 
 
Elena
20 July 2009 @ 02:41 am
So. Yet another night of fun not-sleeping. This journal should almost be renamed 'Chronicles of the Sleepless.' Or something. I love the little icons I have found over time. They're quirky.

Anyways. Apart from the prolonged bouts of not sleeping, this has been a good summer. Working a fair amount means that I can pay rent (+), have healthcare (+) and just generally have something to do (+). However, beginning with this week, my workload will be decreasing.

In some ways, this is very exciting news - this will mean less being tired and grumpy, but also more of a reality check. The LSAT and various deadlines are rapidly approaching...their swooshing sound becomes evermore audible. So yeah. Stuff and...more stuff.

My first lesson, LSAT-wise, was today. It made me feel happy, as trite as it may sound, knowing that something made sense. Although, I think I am much more of an intuitive reader, which is ironic, because I teach similar methods to high schoolers.

Also, the missing duck upset me. There are two ducks by the dell pond, and the she-duck, Sheila, was not there tonight when I walked by. The two of them are always there during the summer, together. I hope she is okay. I fed Ducky, the he-duck anyway. I like feeding them when I walk home from work on Sundays (now class). There is something very therapeutic and calming about it, however, Sheila's missing presence made me feel queasy and slightly uncomfortable. After all, the two of them have taught me that chivalry is not dead, at least not amongst ducks.

Oh life. I am ready...I am fine.
 
 
Elena
19 July 2009 @ 12:34 am
My head feels like it's about to implode, and yet, no sleep. Fail.
But I made some delish hot cocoa today.

The end.
 
 
Elena
12 July 2009 @ 12:42 am
So I'm doing it. Really, I am. Come Monday, I will pick up the phone and make that call and stop being such a big cry baby. I have a problem, it'll get fixed and life will be better. Darn dishwasher.

Oh yeah, and not sleeping.

I don't know. My body wants it, but my brain just can't shut off. Similarly, I just don't feel inclined to really hang out with people - I go to Quest, watch dvds and read - and that is really all that I am in the mood for. Pretty much ever. When I do hang out with people, there is something...missing. And I crave solitude, but simultaneously I don't.

Anyways. Monday. Yes.
 
 
Current Music: 'Your Old World,' Sandbaby